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  • Writer's pictureBelinda Lane

Discussion: How do you love someone who is hurting you?

October 22, 2021

(Domestic Violence Awareness Month)

By: Jackie Miller (Lady J)

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chödrön

I felt sorry for him even though he was so abusive, emotionally, mentally and then physically. He did it all, but why did I let him? What was it within me that kept me from protecting me? After 17 years and a hell of a lot of pain, I still loved this man on some level. Even through the many nights of tears, crying and swallowing that lump you get in your throat and chest when you know there is nothing you can do. Nothing you can do to change a person or situation that you have allowed yourself to star as the leading lady… of what seemed like a horror movie. You analyzed your every move and decision. In your head repeatedly you hear a voice, your voice saying “How do (I) you love someone who is hurting (ME) you? You know he is hurting you! Yet you still love him” “Why” “What is wrong with you?”

“How do you love someone who is hurting you? I couldn’t answer that question until much later in life. It took me years of therapy, prayer, and forgiveness to come to this conclusion. First off, there is nothing wrong with you! You remember the person your spouse used to be on a conscious or maybe subconscious level. You keep thinking that the man or woman that you fell in love with is in there somewhere. And if you just do x, y, or z, they are going to emerge and everything is going to be alright. So you keep waiting and waiting, hoping and praying the person you fell in love with is still there. Truthfully, they are not. That person has changed and where you may get a glimpse of the old person now and then, it will never be as wonderful as it once was.

At some point you will say “Now WHAT?” At that moment, the tide has changed. You are giving yourself permission to accept although you love them, you must move on. You realize that it’s not about them. It’s about you and what you need. No one is ever so expendable in your life that it’s okay for them to continue to hurt you. The best thing we can do for us and them is let go. We cannot throw another person over our back or carry them in our arms through the fire. That cannot be our job. We can save no one but ourselves. Being in love does not mean being a doormat either.

Having compassion for others begins with compassion for ourselves. To love someone does not mean getting hurt time and time again. I know we are to forgive but not at the cost of losing yourself respect and dignity. Sometimes, to love might mean taking a step back and put it to rest. Putting things to rest will be one-sided, but it’s okay. The tough truth is closure won’t come from the other person. It happens when we are ready to let things go.

Self-Love, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Compassion are the truest place to start before you can love anyone else through the hurt. Being able to experience and accept a genuine love after someone has hurt you badly is possible only after you have released all the emotional pain and forgiven the offender… But that can only happen after you have forgiven “YOURSELF”!

Thank you for joining me for Friday at Sundown. Remember… Just Breathe!

Her life after the trauma: Jacqueline B. Miller (known as Lady J) shares her story is in her book Mosaics… Subtitle: Made from Beautifully Broken Pieces (this book is a collaboration of six (6) authors sharing their stories). Lady J is the creator and founder of the Internet talk show, Victory Talk. An ordained Minister of the Gospel, her life lessons have opened doors for her beyond her imagination. She is a Couples Coach, Life Coach, Writer, Published Author and virtual talk show personality. She and her husband, Pastor Phillip A. Miller, Sr. pastors of Victorious Living Faith (VLF) work diligently to bring about a change in the lives of God’s people and communities. Loving and caring for God’s people is the fundamental foundation she stands on.

On the web:

Facebook: @victorytalk or

Twitter: @JackieLadyJ1.

You can also find me on Facebook and Google under fridayatsundown4 and on LinkedIn

Thank you for your support (Likes, Shares, Comments)

Resources Corner:

Psychological Trauma

GirlVictorious: Life After Trauma is a blog geared at helping women lead a meaningful, full, and victorious life after going through trauma.

Domestic Violence

National Domestic Violence Hotline can help victims, survivors of domestic violence. Call 1-800-799-7233. Chat w/an advocate on our website. National Domestic Violence Hotline:

Aid for Military Veterans

In an attempt to cope with the pain of overwhelming emotions, sometimes veterans turn to unhealthy relationships, at-risk behaviors, or substance abuse.

Welcome Home is Celebrate Recovery's (CR) tool to help veterans stuck in hurts, hang-ups, and habits. (These statements are from CR’s Homepage). You are not alone!

Victorious Living Faith: Not Your Traditional Church - Home (Pastor Phillip A. Miller, Sr.)

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